Differential for a Costume
by madwriter223
Summary: Halloween Fic The crazy is fine and well in the land of House MD. Humor, parody, costumes, and Steve McQueen. Oh, and there are two badly-hidden pairings in there. So beware.


**Differential for a Costume**

Cuddy walked into the Diagnostics office, and looked around. No House. And today being Halloween, that meant trouble. She sighed heavily and walked over to the desk, throwing the files she was carrying onto it.

And scaring a little _something_ into leaping at her.

She screamed, jumping back and raising her hands to protect herself.

Then she recognized the squeaking nuisance.

"What the- _Steve_?!" It was indeed Steve McQueen, equipped with naked tail, grey fur and... was that a tiny cape?

"Ah, I see you have met the fabled Count Steve-ula." A familiar baritone said behind her, and she turned around. And promptly did a double take.

House was pale, with angry red splotches all over his face. His cane was gone, replaced with a hospital issued crutch, but he was standing normally, not in any additional pain. But she guessed there _was_ additional insanity.

He grinned at her. "You'll never guess what I'm dressed as."

Oh, so it was a costume. Thank God, she was this close to having him admitted.

Cuddy took a deep breath, and looked him over, trying to stick the visible symptoms with any disease known to her.

Nada.

"I don't know, what?"

"Is it... a horrible skin disease?" a new voice asked, and Cuddy leaned outside the office, trying not to gawk at the sight that met her.

There stood a giant white pill with legs.

"Wha- wha- wha-" Dammit, she needed to work on her stoicism.

A flap opened, and Kutner face appeared, grinning mischievously. "I'm a Vicodin!"

"A jolly big one, if you ask me." she muttered, turning her gaze to the older man.

House shrugged, grinning like mad. "He lost a bet."

Cuddy shook her head. "Oh God."

"I'm not so bad." Kutner said, walking closer to them. "You should see what Taub's dressed as."

"Should I fear?"

"Be afraid, be very afraid." House murmured into her ear in a low spooky voice, and she rolled her eyes.

The elevator doors opened, and the two missing minions stepped out. Both looked rather disgruntled, but with only one the reason was obvious.

House gaped at the make-up and the purple suit. "Are you the Joker?!"

Taub sighed, and resisted the urge to wipe the paint off his face. "My wife thought it'd be funny." he muttered.

The diagnostician snickered. "It is. Oh, the irony!" he laughed, then turned a sharp eye towards Thirteen. "Where's your costume?"

She crossed her arms. "This is stupid."

House mimicked her stance, adding a glare. "This is Halloween and it's _the_ rule."

She sighed, and reached into her pocket, producing a set a fake vampire teeth and sticking them into her mouth. "There."

"No, no, no." House shook his head. "Pick something else, Steve's got the vampire."

She raised her eyebrow. "Steve?"

The older man turned and limped into his office to retrieve his pet, showing him off proudly. "Meet Count Steve-ula, minions!"

Steve squeaked in agreement. 'Fear me, ye puny humans!'

"A rat got my costume?"

"His is better." Kutner said, staring at the rat in awe. "That's an awesome cape."

"Yes, it is." House grinned, then turned back to his female-fellow. "Get rid of the teeth and find some toilette paper – you'll be the Mummy."

She groaned, but obediently turned around, walking away. They didn't pay her enough.

Cuddy, meanwhile, was rubbing her temples. "This is a new one, House, even for you."

"But it's Halloween!" he whined, sticking his lower lip out and opening his eyes wide, brows together.

Goddammit, he's been practicing. "Fine. But wipe that off before you scare the patients."

It was rather obvious House ignored that last bit. "You should join us. Like them." He pointed behind her, and she turned, wincing.

"You too?"

Wilson smiled sheepishly at her, while Foreman only nodded.

Both were wearing lab-coats (thank God for small favors). Wilson had a tall chef's hat on his head, while Foreman had a... large piece of material in his hand.

She raised her brow. "What're you?"

"Something needed." he answered.

"As in?"

He unfolded the piece of material and held it in front of himself, revealing it to be a straight jacket. "Here, House-y, House-y, House-y."

The diagnostician surprised her by laughing, and limping towards the 'psychiatrist', leaning against him with a grin. "Is it time for my shots, _Doctor_?"

Foreman shook his head fondly, and gave him a look over. "Is it Lupus?"

"We have a winner!!" House exclaimed happily, limping to the differential room. "Now it's time to _party_!" Steve squeaked and wriggled in his grasp, more than eager.

Wilson chuckled, following. "Behave, House."

"Or you'll what? Get he wooden spoon and punish me?" The statement was followed by a leer and a suggestive eyebrow dance.

Wilson flushed slightly, still smiling. "Maybe."

Cuddy watched after them, trying hard not to laugh when doctor Hadley came back, white toilette paper wrapped around her head and arms, brows knitted in a fierce scowl.

Well, at least on this day insanity was widely accepted.

She turned on her heel, and made her way towards her office, thoughts swirling around what she could dress up as. After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Title: Differential for a Costume  
Author: madwriter223

Summary: Halloween madness in PPTH  
Rating: PG  
Pairing(s): slight House/Foreman, slight House/Wilson  
Feedback: yes, please  
Author's Note: This is crack, and should not be taken seriously. I would kill to see this in the show, though. ^__^


End file.
